I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
