so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
