I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
