remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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