So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
