we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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