I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
