i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
