Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
