R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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