Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
