Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
