note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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