Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
