6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
