Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
