Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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