My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
