3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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