i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
