Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
