White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
