I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
