ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
