apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is Oprah even human
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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