i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
