so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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