yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
