Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
