She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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