Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
