I got chris browned last night
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is Oprah even human
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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