i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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