My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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