How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
