every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize