My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
