So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
