I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
