There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
