Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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