So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
