she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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