So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
