they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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