Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
