Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
