i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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