True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
