I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
