I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
