Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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