After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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