I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
