if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
