I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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