I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
