he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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