my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
