I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
