We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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